a time for change

In my life, the thing I fear the most is change. I am very afraid of leaving, starting over, and leaving the safety net that I have created thus far in my short time as an “adult.”

I have begun the process. I put my feelings to the test yesterday and I went in and got a hair cut. Although I am not a person that is emotionally attached to my hair in any way, I decided that I was going to cut my hair short. I have been inspired by the cute and stylish pixie cuts I’ve been seeing on the stars lately, and thought, if they can, why can’t I? So I took the plunge. I cut off over 7 inches of my hair yesterday and opted for the short and sassy look. I have never before cut my hair this short, with the exception of my three year old days when I took it upon myself to perform my own hair cut. I’ve always had longer hair, and never really cut my hair too short. With no real idea how it would turn out, or what I’d look like, I went for it. Fear of looking like a 12 year old boy for months crossed my mind, but I was determined to do this.

If I can accept such a small change in my life as a haircut, I know that I have the ability to accept change elsewhere. A haircut defines your physical appearance to others for a long time. Especially with cutting my hair this short. While hair does grow back, and this mistake can be easily turned back into my normal hair personality, it is a decision I will have to live with for the better part of at least a year before it goes back to the way it looked before.

Knowing that I went in with the confidence and excitement about this that I did, I feel like I can take on other challenges in my life. Like a new job, moving in with Jeremy, creating a brand new life. All of these things require huge amounts of sacrifice for me, and a major shift in that same safety net I am living in now. Changing careers means leaving everything that I know right now. It means giving up my paycheck, my benefits, my insurance, and most importantly my friends that I have made. It means walking away from what I thought was the only thing I thought I ever wanted to do. Moving in with Jeremy means leaving Wisconsin, and my family, and taking that leap of faith. My family has never really lived more than 20 miles away from one another, and this is a big change for me.

And yet, there are so many things about those prospects that bring me hope and encouragement. I finally get to start a life with Jeremy. We finally get to be together. I might actually learn to escape that other safety net that I feel like my parents are trying to keep around me through this start of my adulthood. I might actually get to show them that, yes, I can take care of myself, and, yes, I am an adult now and can start making my own decisions. And maybe there is a job out there that I am better suited for. I’m excited to get out there and explore and learn about all these things. The idea of doing something different is energizing and motivating. I feel refreshed when I think about it. And perhaps, if all these other pieces start falling into place, I can finally feel like life has started, and I can begin.

And while it’s just a hair cut, it’s so much more. It’s proof that I can do this, and it’s reassurance that taking those leaps of faith can be a good thing, and pay off. It’s confidence to pursue these dreams, and it’s a self esteem booster. The play is in motion, and I am ready to start putting my life together.

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