confidence

It seems awfully silly, but this minor phone fiasco that happened the other day has opened my eyes to something serious in my life.  Namely, that I take no control over the outcomes I want to see happen.

Yes, I am a 26 year old who shares a phone plan with my parents.  I am not proud of that.  The only reason I do so, is because it is cheaper for my parents to bundle with my father’s business and include me on the plan, than for me to not be on it.  But, trust me, I very much want to escape the feeling of my parents owning parts of my life.  That’s already a struggle for me.  Even with this minor incident, the thought of having to call my parents to say that I wrecked my newest phone as well was a weight that I don’t want to have to deal with.

Ultimately, it comes down to my feeling of disappointing my parents.  At this point in my life, I know what it is that I want to do.  I want to leave my job.  I want to move in with my boyfriend.  I want to look for another job down here and start doing something I am interested in.  I want to release myself from my parent’s phone plan.  I want to start a life in which I call the shots and make the decisions.

Telling my parents all of these things is something that shouldn’t be so hard.  I should be able to.  After all, it is my life, my decisions, and I am the one who has to deal with them after they are made.

 

Still, I feel like I am letting them down.  They will not approve of my living with Jeremy–not because it’s him, but because it’s “living in sin” or some bullshit (it’s 2014…really?).  They will worry about my plans to find a job.  What will I do without the insurance and benefits of my job?  A steady paycheck?  Do they not think these are questions I asked myself as well–things I’ve already considered about what may happen?

Needless to say, I have found my demon, and my demon is myself.  I need to get over these fears of being too scared to do anything.  The reason nothing happens in my life is because I don’t let it happen.

So, this year is about confidence building.  And this year is about taking the steps to gain that control in my life.  I am a very smart and hard working person.  Whatever I put my mind to, I can be successful at.  I know that about me, because it’s something I have proven to both myself, and others, time and time again.  Leaving, and moving, and leaping into the unknown will not hurt me.  I will find my way, and I will find something that I know I will both love and be happy and successful with.

If anyone would like to stand behind me, and be my silent, supportive army while I tackle my perhaps overly smothering, yet loving and caring parents, and tell them all these things, I’d appreciate the support.  It’s time to grow up, and I need to have the confidence to do that.  I want my life to start.

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