failure.

Failure is a funny thing.  I’ve learned to accept it as one of our greatest teachers ever.  However, I have also come to fear it, knowing that it has great power to destroy people.  It is a delicate balance between the two.

Growing up, failure was never an option for me.  My parents never really allowed it.  Good grades were an expectation.  As hard as I tried in swimming, I could always do better.  It was something that I was never allowed to do.  Lessons were learned along the way, but failure was the least tolerated thing we ever did, next to lying.

But, I feel slightly like a failure lately.  I feel as though I have let many people down.  When those people needed me most, I didn’t follow through.  And the feeling of knowing I have let people that I love down is the hardest feeling to overcome.  But, like I said, failure can be a great teacher.  And what I have learned from letting the people I love down is how to become a better person for them.  And this has taught me that I need to be stronger than I think I am, and better than I think I am.

I feel like the fear of failure is stopping me from even attempting so many things.  Jeremy told me the other day that maybe I am supposed to be the change for all the things I don’t like.  I told him I thought he was wrong.  I definitely think there are some things that are wrong in this world, but never before have I felt I’m supposed to be the one to change it.  It’s stuck in my brain.  What if I try and fail them all too?

I’m stuck in this place of moving forward, and letting go.  I’m afraid to move forward and do it wrong.  I’m afraid to stay where I am.  I’m not sure how to get myself out of this rock and hard place.  Maybe I need a good push.  Maybe one is already coming.  Maybe I need to fail in a big way, so that the bottom is my new starting place.  Maybe I need to pick myself up where I am and just keep going forward.  Either way, I’m trying my best to use this failure as a lesson for good, and not let it become a paralyzing fear.  The start of every failure is to pick yourself back up again, though.  And dust yourself off.  You can’t get anywhere lying there on the ground…

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