two steps forward…one step back.

So many times in my life, when I sit down and do a self check, I realize that the world and I are rotating at different speeds. So often when I’m standing around looking inward, I feel like I can actually feel myself out of sync with the world. I always seem to show up thirty seconds late. I always seem to leave right when things get good. I always stay when there’s nothing going on, afraid that last time I left and missed everything. I just seem to never be right in the world.

I don’t know if other people experience this feeling, and maybe it’s totally normal, but it seems to me that I just haven’t found the right place to be. So many times in my life I’ve found the right place, the right thing, the right food, the right shoes; and when you see it, you just know immediately that it’s right. I went to Ripon College. It immediately felt right on my campus visit. When I have cravings, there always seems to be the right food out there to satisfy it (yesterday was Garrett’s cheese popcorn. Oh my God…). It just seems I have these small moments of complete clarity and the rest of my life is spent in this limbo, waiting to find the right thing.

Jeremy’s biggest complaint with me is that I don’t know what I want. I can short term goal set moderately well. I can’t long term goal set at all. It seems like everything I should set my goals toward is something someone else is telling me to do: find a job you love, get married, have kids, open a retirement account, start saving money, are you going to buy a house? Nothing seems right to me. And I think it’s why I’m stuck in this alternate universe and I’m always off.

Is it normal for a 26 year old to feel this way? Is it ok to have it not figured out? People say it is, but then I think, “I’m almost 30. I should have my shit together.” But I don’t. And I’m stuck always being thirty seconds late, stuck behind the slow guy, and walking out right before it gets good. Feels sometimes like a lack of control. Do I give in to that craziness and let the universe take me where it may, or do I tighten the reigns and take the control? There are so many more problems that come with that…

So for now, at 26, I will go through my life two steps forward, one step back. It’s really going to take me a long way to get where I’m going, though, if I get there at all.

When does the magic happen, world? Where do the answers come from? And if they come from nowhere, what can I do to discover them? I’m sick of living in limbo with my life. Let’s connect, world.

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