so, what’s next?

I’ve been taking stock of my life recently.  Sometimes I feel this overwhelming positivity that things are going well, I’m doing what I love, and I’m very happy with the track I’m on.  I just need to put in my time, and then start thinking about grad school, and applying my years of teaching toward a job in administration.  A clear cut path to victory.

And then sometimes I feel this overwhelming feeling of confusion about my life.  Is teaching what I really want to do?  What if I should consider doing some serious writing (I’ve got all kinds of crap floating around in my head all the time).  Maybe I should think about opening a small business.  Maybe I should find a job where I can cook (again…it’s a subject that just can’t be dropped).

It’s so incredibly frustrating for me to be going around and around about it all the time. I’m 26 for goodness sake.  It’s about time I start thinking about hammering out what it is I want to do exactly.  There isn’t much time before societal pressures dictate I should be married and pop out kids!  Haha.  I have to get my life in order here!

Last night, we were sitting on the couch, and Jeremy said, “Why don’t you go back to grad school?”  It’s a serious question.  It’s one I’ve absolutely contemplated.  But, before I waste any more money going back to school, I want to be sure that I’m going back for what I really want to do with my life.  In a way, I really envy Jeremy.  He knows exactly what he wants to do.  I don’t envy him sitting at the kitchen table right now with his highlighter and cup of coffee reading away at his text book (or do I?).  But I think that no matter what, he’s so happy and driven and focused on his goals.  And I don’t necessarily feel that.

In regards to teaching, I feel a little derailed.  I had a job for three years, not what I wanted to really be doing.  But it payed the bills, and taught me so much.  Now I’m down here in Illinois, and I have less than a job, teaching the subjects I want to be teaching, but with no real control or my own classroom.  And Illinois won’t give me my darn teachers license, so come March when contracts will be renewed, it won’t do me much good where I am or what I’m doing.  When is the time to get up and take control?  And is all of this a sign that this isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing? Yes, I get joy from it.  But is all this non-perfection in my career life a sign?

I’ve been reading a lot about following your passion lately.  I’ve read Mike Rowe saying following your passion is ridiculous.  You have to have passion to be a person who enjoys being alive, but if everyone followed their passion, nothing would get done in this world.  And I see where he’s coming from.  And then there’s that age-old saying that “do what you love and you’ll never work another day in your life.”  AKA, follow your passion.  What if my passion is something that sends my life on a trajectory that changes everything?  Then what do I do?  It’s just so confusing.  And frustrating.

So what am I doing with my life?  What’s the next step?  And how and when do I decide what’s the best thing for me, and the people in my life?  What have you got in store for me out there, world?  I think I’m almost ready for you to reveal your secrets.

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